Secret Sale of U. S. Department of Education Operations

This just in from SM:

WASHINGTON, D. C.- In a surprise announcement just after midnight Crawford time, the U. S. Department of Education announced that it will permanently close all of its operations, offices, and initiatives at midnight tonight. All of the many functions and services under ED's expansive umbrella will be assumed by winners of no-bid contracts that were previously offered at a private Republican fundraiser held at the President's ranch in Crawford, Texas this weekend.

Even though the news media had attended the barbeque and rodeo that preceded the auction, they were asked by Secretary Spellings and her co-host for the media tent, the Associated Press, not to report on the event.

Here is an incomplete list of winning companies:

WINNER of Office of Planning, Evaluation and Policy Development---Business Roundtable and Achieve, Inc. (joint venture)
WINNER of Institute of Education Sciences---McGraw-Hill and American College of Education (joint venture)
WINNER of Office of Communications and Outreach--Fox News
WINNER of Faith-Based and Community Initiatives---Liberty University
WINNER of Office of Safe and Drug-Free Schools---Blackwater USA
WINNER of Office of Innovation and Improvement---DCI Group
WINNER of Office of Special Education and Rehabilitative Services---PhRMA
WINNER of Office of English Language Acquisition, Language Enhancement and Academic Achievement for Limited English Proficient Students---Sylvan Learning Centers
WINNER of Office of Elementary and Secondary Education---Edison Schools, Inc.
WINNER of Federal Student Aid---Nelnet and Sallie Mae (joint venture)
WINNER of Office of Vocational and Adult Education---Hamburger University, McDonald's
WINNER of Office of Postsecondary Education---Apollo Group, Inc. and Kaplan, Inc. (joint venture)
WINNER of White House Initiative on Historically Black Colleges and Universities---Century 21
WINNER of Office of Tribal Colleges and Universities---Harrah's

According to a Department spokesperson, Secretary Spellings was packing her "big girl panties" and headed back to Washington, where she will assume new duties as Karl Rove's Re-education Seminar Leader for federal employee brownbag lunch meetings.

April Fools to you!